I can completely relate to this brilliant post. I get *very* obsessed by things and the world kind of fades into black and white whilst anything related to the current obsession is in vivid colour…
I wasn’t planning on posting today. I was planning on putting together an interesting retrospective of my childhood and all of the experiences that I can remember that were relevant to my recent orientation revelation and posting it later in the week. But hey, this is a diary isn’t it? And diaries are for writing whatever pops up and whatever is top of mind. This is a bit of a ramble, but it does have a point, honest!
I have always fancied girls. My earliest memories of anything even vaguely involving sexual attraction are in connection with girls (Debbie and Cheryl, hope you are well and happy!) and are from the age of about nine or so. I was an early developer, which is damn frustrating! As a trailblazer you have no one to follow if I may state the obvious for a second. I was noticing things that none of my friends seemed to see. All these suddenly interesting bumps and curves and I was the only one that could see them!
Of course at that age I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with any of them. That changed with the discovery of a large box in the attic of a neighboring block of flats, full of magazines, but I will come to that in a later post.
I think I have always fancied boys too. By which I mean males, I don’t lust after schoolboys now in my early forties. I hate that I have to point that out, but I feel that I can say “I like girls” as an adult man and people will understand that I mean “women”, but if I as a grown man say “I like boys” it is immediately assumed by a vast majority of the population that I mean “little boys”.
I don’t think any schoolchild enjoys the showers after sport, but they terrified me. As an early developer I was noticeably physically different, and in school different is bad, but that wasn’t all. I was embarrassed by the stares, sure, but I also enjoyed the attention and my biggest fear was that I would react, physically. I have vague memories of being the first to finish showering almost every time, and dashing out to dry off and get dressed as quickly as I could to hide what I couldn’t control my sheer mental will. This would have been a little older, maybe 12 or so.
My bedroom wall was covered in pictures. My parents were cool with it thankfully so the wall that my bed was against was absolutely papered with cuttings from Smash Hits, Metal Hammer and Kerrang. I have always been musically complicated, but at least I have always been able to speak about that!
The biggest poster I had was of Sam Fox. Remember that this was the mid/late eighties and she was one of the most attractive page three models, and had released a single “Touch Me” and an album so was pretty much everywhere for a while. It was a black and white picture, revealing but not topless. I can remember pretty much every detail. The magazine cutouts were a variety. Fuzzbox were blu-tacked next to Slayer and I can distinctly remember a picture of Andy Bell (Lead singer from Erasure) bending suggestively over a kitchen counter that I was always fascinated by. It was from an interview in Smash Hits and I remember the phrase “homoerotic” being in there somewhere. All I knew was that it was “me-erotic”, as much so as Samantha was on the wall beside him.
The funny thing is that at no point in my childhood did I ever think that it was OK to find both of those pictures attractive. Getting aroused by Madonna in “Like a Virgin” was fine in my head, but being stirred by Adam Ant in Prince Charming or Nick Rhodes in Duran Duran was “wrong”. It didn’t stop it happening, or from me enjoying it, but it felt dirty and something that only I was doing, which if I am being completely honest probably added to the enjoyment!
If I could impart one piece of knowledge to a young person having the same sort of experiences it would be that it’s OK! Enjoy it, explore it, revel in it. Sexuality is a complicated thing and it can take a long while to sort out. It took me about thirty years so I know this to be true…. School is a complicated place too, and not a kind one to anyone not following the herd. I think that being honest to yourself and accepting your own feelings and urges and their direction is the main thing. I think that if I had accepted that I was attracted to my friends as well as my girlfriends then my life up to this point would have been a lot smoother and happier.
Have you had any similar experiences? Or are you currently going through something like I describe? Drop me a comment and I will reply as best I can.
Right then, what’s it all about?
It is a known fact that writing about significant event’s in one’s life can help understand them better. That is essentially why diaries have been so popular for centuries. Most diaries are never meant for anyone other than the writer to read them and the value isn’t so much in the reading anyway, it’s in the writing.
Writing slows us down. It takes more mental effort to think about something and then write than it does to just think and have the thoughts drift away again and be replaced by the mundane world. In this way the thoughts that we capture in the written word tend to be clearer and better formed. I say tend to be because nothing is certain or guaranteed, but this does highlight another benefit of writing especially in the modern world; editing! I wrote the “About Me” section (See the link in the header above) several times and published it at least a couple before settling on it’s current form, and I am sure it will change again!
So one aim of this blog is to help me order my thoughts.
Another less selfish aim is to help anyone who is going through what I am. Not that I am having a traumatic time or anything, quite the opposite in fact, but coming out to yourself is a BIG thing. You are acknowledging that you have been deceiving yourself. Coming out to others has another set of difficulties I am sure, but the deception can at least be justified internally. Again, this doesn’t have to be a negative thing but it is a thing.
So, dear reader, that’s my basic reasoning for starting this blog. I am hoping to post regularly and also hoping that it will be interesting, informative and at least a little fun! Some ideas I currently have for posts include :
Childhood – were there signs that I can remember?
Teen years – did I really just like Adam Ant and Boy George for their music? I fantasized about Madonna and Fuzzbox, did I about these guys too?
Young Adulthood – repression of the truth, more signs….neon ones…in pink….
The wonderful now.
Should I come out publicly?
I also want to use this as a bit of an outlet for sharing my thoughts and interests in general. My second post was a picture of David Bowie, expect more along those lines as well as some of my own photography and maybe even some poetry every now and then.
All that remains to be said is that if you are still reading, please subscribe either by the button on the right or the email form below and you will get posts as I publish them.
See you next time!
For those of you that would like their own version of the full image that I use for the banner at the top (It’s the eternally gorgeous David Bowie for those who are struggling), here it is! (Click to see the full post…)
…….which coincidentally is how I feel for the first time in quite a while.