Here and now

I can be a self absorbed, self pitying knob.

Feels a bit funny talking about being self absorbed on a forum that is essentially me saying to the world “read all about me!”, but what the hell. That’s a great dichotomy to start the day! This is a post for me, I need to write this stuff down so that I can process it and understand it. If you want to read it then great, but I am not expecting anyone to.

I guess I am feeling a bit angry, a bit upset/sad, and a bit disappointed. Who at? Well me of course.

I haven’t been a brilliant partner recently. Since coming out to my wonderful girlfriend she has been her trademark supportive amazing self. I on the other hand have become obsessed with my new found “identity” and researching/discovering who and what I am. I am a very obsessive person. When I have something that I am interested in, it’s like the rest of the world stops and I have to focus on that thing entirely.

Of course this leads to burn out and depression.

Sometimes it’s a slow burn, sometimes it’s a bright hot fire. My most recent thing has been one of the fires. It’s my photography, and I only just realised as I am writing this blog post. I got it into my head that because people are always saying how good my photos are that I could make some money from selling prints. This may be true, but I went after it in my standard way i.e. all guns blazing.

I created a facebook page and invited all my friends to  follow it. I created the Fine Art America page and of course expected that the world of art would immediately see what a messiah to the monochrome image I am and come beating down the door with battering rams of cash!

There’s nothing wrong with all of this. It’s pretty normal behavior for a new endevour I think? The problem comes when there isn’t a balance between that and day to day life.

When I get focused on something like that, it’s like everyday life kind of fades into the background. I stop looking after myself, I stop interacting with people, I forget to do things and don’t think about those around me.

Well it has to stop. I am drawing a line here, publicly and privately. No more. I am hurting the one person who has stood by me through everything and I can’t let that happen any more. I’m sorry.

Words are all well and good, I am good with words. But words only take you so far. There are only so many times you can say “I’m sorry” without your actions backing that up. That’s where I have been falling down, and I it’s because I am focusing on the wrong things, the important things are blurred, out of focus, and I need to reverse that.

So what can I do? Well one thing I can do is drop the constant thinking about selling my prints. I have set up the mechanism and they will either sell or they wont. If they do then that’s cool, if not, then it hasn’t cost me anything!

What else? Well from now on I need to be here and now. This is real life. The only life we get as far as we know. If I mess this up then I don’t get another chance, I don’t get to start over and learn from my mistakes, I need to learn now and learn fast.

So there we are. I bit of a ramble. I don’t know if anyone can relate and it doesn’t really matter to me. I have made a commitment to myself and to the most important person in my life. I will be better.

I can be better.

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One thought on “Here and now

  1. That one can become totally focused on “exploring new territory and boundaries” isn’t all that unusual but, yeah, it can be kinda hard to integrate the new thing into your daily life. You apologize to your partner, explain why you’ve been so distracted, and then get back to work being better at handling your day-to-day life.

    Yeah, I can relate; I’ve long since integrated my bisexuality into my every day life but there are times when something gets my attention and I focus on it to the exclusion of everything else; a “bad habit,” perhaps, but when it’s something important, it needs that kind of attention and more so when you don’t wanna screw something up – but then you’re in a relationship and have other things that require your attention and you just have to learn how to compartmentalize things so you can focus on whatever has your attention but you can still take care of your other business as well And, yes, one trick is to not get so focused that you wind up shooting yourself in the foot. It’s not easy to do – it takes some focus – and determination. You say you’ve been focusing on the wrong things and, in my experience, if you’re that focused on your new identity, that’s not a wrong thing by any measure – because it’s you. Yeah, you have other obligations but if you’re not right with yourself, you won’t be able to deal with those obligations so, yeah, sometimes, having that kind of focus makes sense so you can be sure that you’ve gotten your stuff together enough for you to keep doing the other things you gotta do.

    Liked by 1 person

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