Here and now

I can be a self absorbed, self pitying knob.

Feels a bit funny talking about being self absorbed on a forum that is essentially me saying to the world “read all about me!”, but what the hell. That’s a great dichotomy to start the day! This is a post for me, I need to write this stuff down so that I can process it and understand it. If you want to read it then great, but I am not expecting anyone to.

I guess I am feeling a bit angry, a bit upset/sad, and a bit disappointed. Who at? Well me of course.

I haven’t been a brilliant partner recently. Since coming out to my wonderful girlfriend she has been her trademark supportive amazing self. I on the other hand have become obsessed with my new found “identity” and researching/discovering who and what I am. I am a very obsessive person. When I have something that I am interested in, it’s like the rest of the world stops and I have to focus on that thing entirely.

Of course this leads to burn out and depression.

Sometimes it’s a slow burn, sometimes it’s a bright hot fire. My most recent thing has been one of the fires. It’s my photography, and I only just realised as I am writing this blog post. I got it into my head that because people are always saying how good my photos are that I could make some money from selling prints. This may be true, but I went after it in my standard way i.e. all guns blazing.

I created a facebook page and invited all my friends to  follow it. I created the Fine Art America page and of course expected that the world of art would immediately see what a messiah to the monochrome image I am and come beating down the door with battering rams of cash!

There’s nothing wrong with all of this. It’s pretty normal behavior for a new endevour I think? The problem comes when there isn’t a balance between that and day to day life.

When I get focused on something like that, it’s like everyday life kind of fades into the background. I stop looking after myself, I stop interacting with people, I forget to do things and don’t think about those around me.

Well it has to stop. I am drawing a line here, publicly and privately. No more. I am hurting the one person who has stood by me through everything and I can’t let that happen any more. I’m sorry.

Words are all well and good, I am good with words. But words only take you so far. There are only so many times you can say “I’m sorry” without your actions backing that up. That’s where I have been falling down, and I it’s because I am focusing on the wrong things, the important things are blurred, out of focus, and I need to reverse that.

So what can I do? Well one thing I can do is drop the constant thinking about selling my prints. I have set up the mechanism and they will either sell or they wont. If they do then that’s cool, if not, then it hasn’t cost me anything!

What else? Well from now on I need to be here and now. This is real life. The only life we get as far as we know. If I mess this up then I don’t get another chance, I don’t get to start over and learn from my mistakes, I need to learn now and learn fast.

So there we are. I bit of a ramble. I don’t know if anyone can relate and it doesn’t really matter to me. I have made a commitment to myself and to the most important person in my life. I will be better.

I can be better.

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Finding Unity Within Your Sexuality

A great post about relaxing and letting yourself be yourself and seeing the beauty where you can. It speaks to me as I am stripping away the years of self-repression and learning to accept the real me and all my tastes and likes without self-judgment or censor.

ofabisexualmind

I was introduced to a friend through a mate one night. ‘Twas a pleasant night, lots of laugh, you know how it goes. Afterward, when I was heading back with my mate, she says how her friend, the one introduced to me, seems to talk about women quite a bit – celebrities, size of their breasts, etc. All in front of her own boyfriend, who she has been with for quite some time.

People talk about this friend and her comments. It’s nothing rude or offensive, it just happens to the point where we wonder if maybe she’s longing to be with a women. Maybe she is scared to leave the comfort of her relationship to tackle the unknown, or to not hurt this man?

I used to be like that. I used to think of a man jerking off and find it hot — but then get into a panic…

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Thank you, and a photo

I wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read my young blog so far. I had hoped that the blog would help me navigate towards the “me” that I want to become and it really is. I can only hope that as I continue, someone else will gain something from it too. Through the several interactions I have had so far I feel like I am stepping into a community and taking small steps towards finding new friends.

In an earlier post I said that I would occasionally be sharing some of my photos – here is the first.

Window in Black and White
Window in Black and White

I mainly like to use Black and White in my photos. I am an entirely digital photographer and love the processing side as much as composition. Mostly I take photos that highlight textures and contrasts, that’s one reason I wanted this to be the first that I shared as it has some great textures in it. I am also really pleased with the light playing through the window.

We all have things that we love doing, this is one of mine. I can lose myself in the process and create something that I find pleasing, and hopefully someone else might too although that is secondary. If you are struggling, try to find that which you enjoy and lose yourself in it for a while, it may well help you find balance.