A great post about relaxing and letting yourself be yourself and seeing the beauty where you can. It speaks to me as I am stripping away the years of self-repression and learning to accept the real me and all my tastes and likes without self-judgment or censor.
I was introduced to a friend through a mate one night. ‘Twas a pleasant night, lots of laugh, you know how it goes. Afterward, when I was heading back with my mate, she says how her friend, the one introduced to me, seems to talk about women quite a bit – celebrities, size of their breasts, etc. All in front of her own boyfriend, who she has been with for quite some time.
People talk about this friend and her comments. It’s nothing rude or offensive, it just happens to the point where we wonder if maybe she’s longing to be with a women. Maybe she is scared to leave the comfort of her relationship to tackle the unknown, or to not hurt this man?
I used to be like that. I used to think of a man jerking off and find it hot — but then get into a panic…
I am having to give myself active permission and encouragement to look at men in ‘that’ way. It’s hard to explain, I look at a picture for example of a well defined topless guy and my initial reaction will probably be a flash of attraction. All good so far!
The problem is that I then hit a brick wall in my mind. It’s as if years of denial have created a sort of defense system in my head to stop me ‘going there’. I have to consciously push through it and tell myself that I am allowed to feel attracted, aroused even.
When looking at a naked woman I have none of the same blocks in place and can enjoy them freely and effortlessly.
It’s something that I am pretty sure will pass eventually but it’s a pain in the rear until then!
Any newly discovered bisexual pure pansexual people out there having the same thing happen?
I identify as a pansexual cis male. So what does that mean to me?
Well, the cis bit is pretty straightforward; I identify as the gender that I was assigned at birth. It’s something that I have never questioned and one of the few things that I have been certain of my whole life. It’s probably fairer to say that it’s something I have never questioned. I have thought that I was gay and straight at various times over the years but never anything other than male. I have occasionally wondered what life as a woman is like, as the experience is, I am sure, very different, but that’s as far as it has gone.
When I had my “moment of clarity” regarding my orientation my initial reaction was that I was bisexual. It was a term that I understood and could relate to. I enjoy looking at a well built male as much as a curvaceous woman so that’s the term right? Well, not entirely as it turns out.
The thing that got me thinking was The Rocky Horror Picture Show. One of my favourite films and a show I have been to see at the theater several times, one of the most fun evenings you can spend, I heartily recommend it to everyone! The central character is (in the film version) Tim Curry’s Dr Frank N Furter. Frank describes himself as a “Sweet Transvestite” in the song of the same name, which is one of the most famous from the show. I fell in love with Frank immediately. The swagger, the voice, the self-confidence, everything about Frank just oozes sex. He is clearly as interested in Brad as he is in Janet so I understood that he was bisexual (Again with Frank I think that Pansexual is more accurate, but more on that in a bit) especially once the Rocky story line comes in. I remember finding his appearance and behaviour confusing initially. I was about sixteen and pretty confused generally as are a lot of sixteen year olds! I was asking myself – Is he a man wanting to be a women? Is he a man pretending to be a woman? Is “He” actually a woman? Is he a man who just likes fishnets? Bear in mind that this was before the internet and information on sexuality/orientation/alternative lifestyles was rare or impossible to see deliberately or accidentally as a sixteen year old.
The conclusion I came to should have allowed me to self-identify there and then but you know what it’s like being a teenager; everything is wrong, nothing makes sense, you doubt yourself in every way and the world hates you…..
My conclusion was that I didn’t care! I found Frank intensely attractive and that was that.
To me, that is the essence of identifying as pansexual rather than bisexual. The term bisexual includes the term “bi-” coming from the Latin for “doubly” or “having two” and as such only really allows for a binary view of orientation and identification. Fair enough I find men and women attractive and could happily have a loving relationship with either, but that is also true of someone whose gender identity is fluid or androgynous. Essentially it is the PERSON that I am attracted to regardless of any extraneous details like how their body is built and out of what parts. I have settled down with a lovely, beautiful girl who I intend to be with till I die, but there is no reason why that couldn’t have been a man or indeed a genderfluid or androgynous person.
That’s not to say that I don’t care what someone looks like or that I fancy the pants off everyone. Of course I have my own preferences but gender is not one of them, I think that’s probably the simplest way to put it. Gender just isn’t part of the equation. I have a feeling that Frank would understand and probably feel the same.
In many ways it’s a great place to be. I feel unhindered and free to accept my feelings about anyone without any worries about falling in any particular box. It’s also particularly easy to stay “in the closet” in public since I can truthfully join in with the ogling of my fellow males. That’s a subject that I am agonising over at the moment. Part of me really wants to be “out” and honest with everyone, but I can’t bring myself to do it just yet.
As always, please let me know any thoughts. Do you recognise anything I have mentioned? Any questions? Anything you want me to talk about?
I wasn’t planning on posting today. I was planning on putting together an interesting retrospective of my childhood and all of the experiences that I can remember that were relevant to my recent orientation revelation and posting it later in the week. But hey, this is a diary isn’t it? And diaries are for writing whatever pops up and whatever is top of mind. This is a bit of a ramble, but it does have a point, honest!
I have always fancied girls. My earliest memories of anything even vaguely involving sexual attraction are in connection with girls (Debbie and Cheryl, hope you are well and happy!) and are from the age of about nine or so. I was an early developer, which is damn frustrating! As a trailblazer you have no one to follow if I may state the obvious for a second. I was noticing things that none of my friends seemed to see. All these suddenly interesting bumps and curves and I was the only one that could see them!
Of course at that age I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with any of them. That changed with the discovery of a large box in the attic of a neighboring block of flats, full of magazines, but I will come to that in a later post.
I think I have always fancied boys too. By which I mean males, I don’t lust after schoolboys now in my early forties. I hate that I have to point that out, but I feel that I can say “I like girls” as an adult man and people will understand that I mean “women”, but if I as a grown man say “I like boys” it is immediately assumed by a vast majority of the population that I mean “little boys”.
I don’t think any schoolchild enjoys the showers after sport, but they terrified me. As an early developer I was noticeably physically different, and in school different is bad, but that wasn’t all. I was embarrassed by the stares, sure, but I also enjoyed the attention and my biggest fear was that I would react, physically. I have vague memories of being the first to finish showering almost every time, and dashing out to dry off and get dressed as quickly as I could to hide what I couldn’t control my sheer mental will. This would have been a little older, maybe 12 or so.
My bedroom wall was covered in pictures. My parents were cool with it thankfully so the wall that my bed was against was absolutely papered with cuttings from Smash Hits, Metal Hammer and Kerrang. I have always been musically complicated, but at least I have always been able to speak about that!
The biggest poster I had was of Sam Fox. Remember that this was the mid/late eighties and she was one of the most attractive page three models, and had released a single “Touch Me” and an album so was pretty much everywhere for a while. It was a black and white picture, revealing but not topless. I can remember pretty much every detail. The magazine cutouts were a variety. Fuzzbox were blu-tacked next to Slayer and I can distinctly remember a picture of Andy Bell (Lead singer from Erasure) bending suggestively over a kitchen counter that I was always fascinated by. It was from an interview in Smash Hits and I remember the phrase “homoerotic” being in there somewhere. All I knew was that it was “me-erotic”, as much so as Samantha was on the wall beside him.
The funny thing is that at no point in my childhood did I ever think that it was OK to find both of those pictures attractive. Getting aroused by Madonna in “Like a Virgin” was fine in my head, but being stirred by Adam Ant in Prince Charming or Nick Rhodes in Duran Duran was “wrong”. It didn’t stop it happening, or from me enjoying it, but it felt dirty and something that only I was doing, which if I am being completely honest probably added to the enjoyment!
If I could impart one piece of knowledge to a young person having the same sort of experiences it would be that it’s OK! Enjoy it, explore it, revel in it. Sexuality is a complicated thing and it can take a long while to sort out. It took me about thirty years so I know this to be true…. School is a complicated place too, and not a kind one to anyone not following the herd. I think that being honest to yourself and accepting your own feelings and urges and their direction is the main thing. I think that if I had accepted that I was attracted to my friends as well as my girlfriends then my life up to this point would have been a lot smoother and happier.
Have you had any similar experiences? Or are you currently going through something like I describe? Drop me a comment and I will reply as best I can.