There is nothing

There is nothing, and I wish there was nothing
There is no love, no hate
No happy, no sad
No enthusiasm for the outside world

All there is
Is the eternal internal loathing
The warm safe cuddle of self hatred
The permanent friend who has never left
Who is closer than anyone ever could be
Who hates me
Who loves me and holds me in the dark
Whispering diabolical half-truths in a lovers voice

There is nothing, and I wish there was nothing
I am a coward, a worthless waste of breath and water
I drain the joy from the ones I love the most
And who love me the most
I fill their lives with “coping” when it should be full of laughing
I give them feasts of “it’s ok” when there should be plates of smiles
I hurt them

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

There is no hate but self hate
There is no anger but fury at what I am
There is no love but love of the dark
There is no sensation but that of falling towards…

Nothing

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Descartes (Work in Progress)

Another of the photographs for my upcoming collection along with a prose piece that is still very much under construction but I wanted to share it with you in its “as is” form.

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Descartes

The only thing that is truly real must be the way that we think and feel.

Questing for eudaimonia occupies so much of our lives it distracts us from the twisted thorns of reality.

If we truly are experiencing the world as a puppet of an evil demon then the only thing we can rely on is what we think and what we feel for if there are thoughts then there must be something real thinking them.

But when our feelings are at counterpoint to the experienced world what are we to do?

Grain

I sat;
the grain of the boards calling out to me.

Begging me to follow them,
to stroke them,
to dive into them.

I caressed them
stroked them
loved them

Spent my entire life swimming with them
in them
on them

for them.

Grain

I have been working on the photographs and writing for my planned book.

Anyone with depression will hopefully recognise the sentiment in the picture and short piece above, being completely lost in something and not able to escape, it draws you in like a Siren, singing beautifully and horribly all at once.

Nowhere To Go

I have talked before about my experience with depression. Thankfully now I am decently medicated and able to engage properly with my wonderful partner I am able to turn my eyes inwards a little more and think about those feelings, even fight them when necessary.

I have also spoken about photography and my love for making photographs. I have recently started using old film cameras rather than digital (Although the results are digitised) and am loving it.

So, I am going to put the two together.

One of the key aspects of depression is the feeling that you are trapped in some way; you feel like there is no way out, no options, no alternatives. Nowhere to go…

I have started planning work on a project to combine  my photography with my words on the subject of barriers and depression. This will be the first photography project I have ever undertaken but it feels right. It has been far too long since I wrote prose or poetry; and I have never limited myself in such a way as to have to focus and write on a specific subject. It will be an interesting experience.

I will keep you posted – as a starter here is one of the photographs that I will be including in the project.

bars
bars – 2016

Maybe I can have a photo-book created, perhaps to sell and donate the proceeds to a relevant charity, but I am not jumping ahead of myself, rather my aim is to enjoy the process and get my feelings and thoughts through the lens and pen.

Here and now

I can be a self absorbed, self pitying knob.

Feels a bit funny talking about being self absorbed on a forum that is essentially me saying to the world “read all about me!”, but what the hell. That’s a great dichotomy to start the day! This is a post for me, I need to write this stuff down so that I can process it and understand it. If you want to read it then great, but I am not expecting anyone to.

I guess I am feeling a bit angry, a bit upset/sad, and a bit disappointed. Who at? Well me of course.

I haven’t been a brilliant partner recently. Since coming out to my wonderful girlfriend she has been her trademark supportive amazing self. I on the other hand have become obsessed with my new found “identity” and researching/discovering who and what I am. I am a very obsessive person. When I have something that I am interested in, it’s like the rest of the world stops and I have to focus on that thing entirely.

Of course this leads to burn out and depression.

Sometimes it’s a slow burn, sometimes it’s a bright hot fire. My most recent thing has been one of the fires. It’s my photography, and I only just realised as I am writing this blog post. I got it into my head that because people are always saying how good my photos are that I could make some money from selling prints. This may be true, but I went after it in my standard way i.e. all guns blazing.

I created a facebook page and invited all my friends to  follow it. I created the Fine Art America page and of course expected that the world of art would immediately see what a messiah to the monochrome image I am and come beating down the door with battering rams of cash!

There’s nothing wrong with all of this. It’s pretty normal behavior for a new endevour I think? The problem comes when there isn’t a balance between that and day to day life.

When I get focused on something like that, it’s like everyday life kind of fades into the background. I stop looking after myself, I stop interacting with people, I forget to do things and don’t think about those around me.

Well it has to stop. I am drawing a line here, publicly and privately. No more. I am hurting the one person who has stood by me through everything and I can’t let that happen any more. I’m sorry.

Words are all well and good, I am good with words. But words only take you so far. There are only so many times you can say “I’m sorry” without your actions backing that up. That’s where I have been falling down, and I it’s because I am focusing on the wrong things, the important things are blurred, out of focus, and I need to reverse that.

So what can I do? Well one thing I can do is drop the constant thinking about selling my prints. I have set up the mechanism and they will either sell or they wont. If they do then that’s cool, if not, then it hasn’t cost me anything!

What else? Well from now on I need to be here and now. This is real life. The only life we get as far as we know. If I mess this up then I don’t get another chance, I don’t get to start over and learn from my mistakes, I need to learn now and learn fast.

So there we are. I bit of a ramble. I don’t know if anyone can relate and it doesn’t really matter to me. I have made a commitment to myself and to the most important person in my life. I will be better.

I can be better.

Confidence, depression and photography

I have never been the most confident person. I think that’s part of the reason that I am not very competitive; I have never really believed that I was better, faster, stronger, more talented than anyone else. Suffering from Depression doesn’t help that, obviously. Yes I have depression. I haven’t even alluded to it so far I don’t think. I was a bit self conscious about it since it’s such a common thing especially online, I think that people are getting blase about it, and even doubting people when they admit it.

But it’s part of who I am so I would not be completely honest with you (and myself) if I didn’t at least mention it. I take medication which helps immensely, to the point where I don’t think I could be myself without it, if I forget it then I am a different person the day after; morose, monosyllabic, distant and just not worth being around. Generally though it’s just a niggle, something that affects me but not to a huge extent thanks to the drugs and the therapy and the constant positive influence of my partner and our daughter.

So that’s two “outings” for me here now, I am a pansexual guy who suffers from depression.

Moving on 🙂

I have shared one photograph with you already, a picture of a window that I took at Fountains Abbey in North Yorkshire, UK. I have been using Flickr for quite some time and have been getting some good responses on there which is wonderful. It’s nice to be appreciated by complete strangers who have nothing to gain by “bigging you up”.

Buoyed up by this, I have decided to try and sell my photography. The first channel I am trying is Fine Art America. It’s a site where you can upload photos and people can buy them as prints, canvas, and all sorts of other things like iphone cases, pillows and even shower curtains!

Here’s a bit of my page:

FAA
My FAA page, an excerpt

Yes, that’s me. It’s a big step for me to do this. I have been “Fox” on here to be anonymous so far, but I think that if I am going to make any sort of progress at all then I needed to do this. It’s not like I am putting a poster up at work, but I feel a little less like I am hiding now.

So there we are, please take a look around. The picture is a link to my profile page where you can see all 25 photographs that I have for sale. Let me know what you think either in the comments here or on FAA if you have an account and can post.

I was in two minds about posting about it here because I don’t want this to be an advertising site for my photography, but at the same time, it’s something I am proud of and I value any and all advice and comments that my readership can offer, I really value your opinions.

Of course if you fancy buying something, I certainly won’t stop you 🙂

I will leave you with one of my most popular photos. I am not at all religious, but I think this sums up a position a lot of us find ourselves in from time to time, in the darkness looking towards the light, hoping that one day we get there.

Look to the Light
Look to the Light