There is nothing

There is nothing, and I wish there was nothing
There is no love, no hate
No happy, no sad
No enthusiasm for the outside world

All there is
Is the eternal internal loathing
The warm safe cuddle of self hatred
The permanent friend who has never left
Who is closer than anyone ever could be
Who hates me
Who loves me and holds me in the dark
Whispering diabolical half-truths in a lovers voice

There is nothing, and I wish there was nothing
I am a coward, a worthless waste of breath and water
I drain the joy from the ones I love the most
And who love me the most
I fill their lives with “coping” when it should be full of laughing
I give them feasts of “it’s ok” when there should be plates of smiles
I hurt them

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

There is no hate but self hate
There is no anger but fury at what I am
There is no love but love of the dark
There is no sensation but that of falling towards…

Nothing

Tipsy and happy

I am working away and just got back to the hotel after dinner and a few drinks all am perhaps a little emotional but I just wanted to share how lucky I am to have a wonderful partner.

We have been together five years now and had a bit of a fling years ago before going our separate ways. We have an amazing daughter who is no blood relation to me but that doesn’t matter at all.

The point of this is to say how lucky I am to have her. I came out to her a few weeks ago and she basically blinked, held my hands and said she wasn’t surprised. Since then she has shown me again and again what love means and I cant imagine being without her.

Love finds a way and is completely blind to things that don’t matter to it. Trust your feelings and trust your loved ones.

Time for sleep now.  Hugs xxxxx