Moment of Clarity

Do you have, or have you ever had a moment of clarity? It’s a sudden flash of understanding where everything is laid out in front of you, perfectly understandable and obvious. Religious people might call it a flash of divine inspiration.

I have had a few in my life, and I had one this morning. It went something like:

Of course sexuality and gender are both societal constructs

I am a person; an animal with a mental, spiritual and physical being, just like every other “person” and “animal” on the planet. I have preferences and I self-identify in a particular way.

Some examples, and for clarity I am using “boy” and “girl” to refer to gender identities, not young examples of biological “gender”.

  1. I like music. I really like music. My favourites are Blues, Black Metal and Folk, but I listen happily to almost everything.
  2. I don’t really self-identify as “boy” or “girl” (recent realisation). I just don’t have strong feelings either way. I don’t feel like that puts me in any sort of box, it’s just a complete non-issue for me.
  3. I can be attracted to anyone. I prefer “girls” (and one in particular 🙂 ) but again, it’s not really an issue for me, if I am pulled towards someone who identifies as a “boy” then so what? If I am attracted to someone who identifies as a “boy” but who was assigned “girl” at birth, then so what?

It’s society that tells us what a “boy” and a “girl” are; how they should behave, what they should wear, what jobs they should do, who they should fancy etc. People are just people and they have individuality. They have their own individual set of morals, beliefs, thoughts and self-identifications.

Let people be people m’kay!

Nick Rhodes

Sat with my fiance watching Duran Duran on TFI Friday, I make a comment about Nick Rhodes and how he is one of those guys that I realise I have always fancied. Her response…?

“I thought he looked like your type”

She is most certainly a keeper 🙂

Putting these pictures up I just realised that as he ages there is a touch of Andy Warhol about him. Random…

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Confidence, depression and photography

I have never been the most confident person. I think that’s part of the reason that I am not very competitive; I have never really believed that I was better, faster, stronger, more talented than anyone else. Suffering from Depression doesn’t help that, obviously. Yes I have depression. I haven’t even alluded to it so far I don’t think. I was a bit self conscious about it since it’s such a common thing especially online, I think that people are getting blase about it, and even doubting people when they admit it.

But it’s part of who I am so I would not be completely honest with you (and myself) if I didn’t at least mention it. I take medication which helps immensely, to the point where I don’t think I could be myself without it, if I forget it then I am a different person the day after; morose, monosyllabic, distant and just not worth being around. Generally though it’s just a niggle, something that affects me but not to a huge extent thanks to the drugs and the therapy and the constant positive influence of my partner and our daughter.

So that’s two “outings” for me here now, I am a pansexual guy who suffers from depression.

Moving on 🙂

I have shared one photograph with you already, a picture of a window that I took at Fountains Abbey in North Yorkshire, UK. I have been using Flickr for quite some time and have been getting some good responses on there which is wonderful. It’s nice to be appreciated by complete strangers who have nothing to gain by “bigging you up”.

Buoyed up by this, I have decided to try and sell my photography. The first channel I am trying is Fine Art America. It’s a site where you can upload photos and people can buy them as prints, canvas, and all sorts of other things like iphone cases, pillows and even shower curtains!

Here’s a bit of my page:

FAA
My FAA page, an excerpt

Yes, that’s me. It’s a big step for me to do this. I have been “Fox” on here to be anonymous so far, but I think that if I am going to make any sort of progress at all then I needed to do this. It’s not like I am putting a poster up at work, but I feel a little less like I am hiding now.

So there we are, please take a look around. The picture is a link to my profile page where you can see all 25 photographs that I have for sale. Let me know what you think either in the comments here or on FAA if you have an account and can post.

I was in two minds about posting about it here because I don’t want this to be an advertising site for my photography, but at the same time, it’s something I am proud of and I value any and all advice and comments that my readership can offer, I really value your opinions.

Of course if you fancy buying something, I certainly won’t stop you 🙂

I will leave you with one of my most popular photos. I am not at all religious, but I think this sums up a position a lot of us find ourselves in from time to time, in the darkness looking towards the light, hoping that one day we get there.

Look to the Light
Look to the Light

It’s frustrating

I am having to give myself active permission and encouragement to look at men in ‘that’ way. It’s hard to explain, I look at a picture for example of a well defined topless guy and my initial reaction will probably be a flash of attraction. All good so far!

The problem is that I then hit a brick wall in my mind. It’s as if years of denial have created a sort of  defense system in my head to stop me ‘going there’. I have to consciously push through it and tell myself that I am allowed to feel attracted, aroused even.

When looking at a naked woman I have none of the same blocks in place and can enjoy them freely and effortlessly.

It’s something that I am pretty sure will pass eventually but it’s a pain in the rear until then!

Any newly discovered bisexual pure pansexual people out there having the same thing happen?

Pansexual definition and exploration

I identify as a pansexual cis male. So what does that mean to me?

Well, the cis bit is pretty straightforward; I identify as the gender that I was assigned at birth. It’s something that I have never questioned and one of the few things that I have been certain of my whole life. It’s probably fairer to say that it’s something I have never questioned. I have thought that I was gay and straight at various times over the years but never anything other than male. I have occasionally wondered what life as a woman is like, as the experience is, I am sure, very different, but that’s as far as it has gone.

When I had my “moment of clarity” regarding my orientation my initial reaction was that I was bisexual. It was a term that I understood and could relate to. I enjoy looking at a well built male as much as a curvaceous woman so that’s the term right? Well, not entirely as it turns out.

Frank!
Tim Curry as Dr Frank N Furter

The thing that got me thinking was The Rocky Horror Picture Show. One of my favourite films and a show I have been to see at the theater several times, one of the most fun evenings you can spend, I heartily recommend it to everyone! The central character is (in the film version) Tim Curry’s Dr Frank N Furter. Frank describes himself as a “Sweet Transvestite” in the song of the same name, which is one of the most famous from the show. I fell in love with Frank immediately. The swagger, the voice, the self-confidence, everything about Frank just oozes sex. He is clearly as interested in Brad as he is in Janet so I understood that he was bisexual (Again with Frank I think that Pansexual is more accurate, but more on that in a bit) especially once the Rocky story line comes in. I remember finding his appearance and behaviour confusing initially. I was about sixteen and pretty confused generally as are a lot of sixteen year olds! I was asking myself – Is he a man wanting to be a women? Is he a man pretending to be a woman? Is “He” actually a woman? Is he a man who just likes fishnets? Bear in mind that this was before the internet and information on sexuality/orientation/alternative lifestyles was rare or impossible to see deliberately or accidentally as a sixteen year old.

The conclusion I came to should have allowed me to self-identify there and then but you know what it’s like being a teenager; everything is wrong, nothing makes sense, you doubt yourself in every way and the world hates you…..

My conclusion was that I didn’t care! I found Frank intensely attractive and that was that.

Pansexual Flag
Pansexual Flag

To me, that is the essence of identifying as pansexual rather than bisexual. The term bisexual includes the term “bi-” coming from the Latin for “doubly” or “having two” and as such only really allows for a binary view of orientation and identification. Fair enough I find men and women attractive and could happily have a loving relationship with either, but that is also true of someone whose gender identity is fluid or androgynous. Essentially it is the PERSON that I am attracted to regardless of any extraneous details like how their body is built and out of what parts. I have settled down with a lovely, beautiful girl who I intend to be with till I die, but there is no reason why that couldn’t have been a man or indeed a genderfluid or androgynous person.

That’s not to say that I don’t care what someone looks like or that I fancy the pants off everyone. Of course I have my own preferences but gender is not one of them, I think that’s probably the simplest way to put it. Gender just isn’t part of the equation. I have a feeling that Frank would understand and probably feel the same.

In many ways it’s a great place to be. I feel unhindered and free to accept my feelings about anyone without any worries about falling in any particular box. It’s also particularly easy to stay “in the closet” in public since I can truthfully join in with the ogling of my fellow males. That’s a subject that I am agonising over at the moment. Part of me really wants to be “out” and honest with everyone, but I can’t bring myself to do it just yet.

As always, please let me know any thoughts. Do you recognise anything I have mentioned? Any questions? Anything you want me to talk about?